leading with Curiosity and what does parent coaching actually look like?
If you’ve landed here (unless you are just my supportive friends and family), my guess is you are already curious. You want to find a way to parent your child or children that feels better to you than what is currently happening. Maybe you need specific help in an area that is baffling you. Or perhaps you are hearing so much about specific ways of parenting that just aren’t working for your unique child. Whatever brings you to get curious about parent coaching is exactly where we would start together. Staying curious allows for you to open your mind up to better understanding the brain development of your child and helps you to fine tune approaches that support the development and your sanity.
Let’s walk through a scenario of what parent coaching might be for a parent. As an example we will have a parent who comes to parent coaching because their second born child is wildly different from their first, parenting their first felt so much easier, This happens for a variety of reasons but is super common.
During our first meeting I would get to know the family better, their dynamics, what their day to day lives are like. What are some strengths they have and what are the obstacles they face and would like support around. Their homework would be to evaluate their core values as a family and to choose a few to focus on for now.
In our subsequent meetings we would start to examine the tricky dynamics, looking at the personalities involved, what is the hope that the parents have around those. It would probably change more slowly than most parents want it to because we often have built up habits or automatic responses in tough times that take effort and time to adjust. As we start to slowly change those habits we are doing so with an understanding of what a child might be struggling with, what do we let go of that could relieve some pressure and how do we hold on to our values through it all.
That may be too broad but specifically let’s say a child is refusing to get ready to go to school in the morning. They are known to be neurotypical (we always want to understand a brain difference if we need to) but unlike their older sibling, they refuse to get dressed in the morning and drag it out until the parents bring them to school. I am using this as an example from many experiences with school refusal that I helped during my years in school.
Our first step is to understand that the family really values education. It is important for the child to go so they can work, but they also really encourage their child’s academics. It’s possible this value needs some readjusting for the child but my support is not in telling you what to value but instead supporting the path to it.
Next we look at the child’s behavior, the “get curious” stage, what is happening, how does the behavior get in the way for everyone else? Let’s say they are yelling, throwing their clothes and refusing to get dressed, we find out it only happens on school mornings so we can set aside a sensory issue for the time being.
Now that we know what the behavior is, we want to understand that behavior in terms of their brain development. Let’s say they are 7, this stage of brain development is tricky, they are a bit dark and stormy and not quite ready to see things in a flexible manner. They see criticism only as that, not as constructive or helpful and they are beginning to worry about what other people think. They are also only starting to detach from parents and be more individualized.
So if we know that this might be where the child is at, we get curious about what is potentially happening behind the scenes in the child’s brain. Parents are encouraged to have a conversation in the car, when the lights are out at night or casually on a weekend. In this conversation they may directly ask the child or they may share about something they are struggling with. Small ways to connect to the child over a challenge. Slowly building connections before diving into the curiosity about what is going on. We should not to expect a clear and fixable answer from them. Expecting this can lead to more power struggles. Instead, expect mornings to be hard and make flexible plans yourself for a period of time. We need to hold curiosity and reality at the same time. Let the school know that there is a struggle and you are working towards and answer. Often, they are more than willing to step in and help or can create a supportive drop off plan that eases some tension for you.
If your child mentions school stuff, connect them with a staff member at school who could support them, a teacher, School Counselor, support staff, or a coach. Some kids do better talking about hard stuff with people not intimately involved in their lives. Let’s say they love being able to be home with family because they get the freedom to play and when they go to school it is hard and they are worried about how little time they will get to play. Again, this is 7, edging out of being a young elementary school experience and into an age that really starts to focus on academics. They know you want them to do well and they are worried about that too.
The key here is to prepare to support without having answers, understanding again that there may not be a clear and easily fixable answer. The worry about play and academics may need more support (more on worry in an upcoming blog) or maybe a friendship is changing because they still want to play younger games and the friend wants to play something new. Either way, you can now start to have conversations where you partner with them to tackle the issues. Maybe more play time is needed on the weekends or they listen to a funny book in the mornings while they eat breakfast and get ready. For the academics, adjusting your conversations around how fun it is to build new brain connections but how hard that is too. Model for them something you are learning (you can pretend here if needed) and how it is challenging to have to work hard every day at it.
As we work together to support your family, the hope is to continue to build your connection to your child while also expecting things to be hard in the mornings until they can feel some ease knowing you understand what they are going through. Maybe it is a simple answer, maybe it isn’t. Either way it is up to you to adjust and take the time to stay curious. Parent coaching is here to fine tune your approach to parenting your children and having someone outside of the family supporting that adjustment can be the answer your family needs.
