Parenting in survival mode part 2
A few more tips on survival mode. But first, a reality check.
Survival mode doesn’t just come with a warning, often you don’t know you are in it until you are deeply in it. This is longer term survival mode. Many people felt this during the pandemic, so much to process and deal with and our brains helped us survive by focusing on only what was necessary for survival. And the years since have felt like a long climb out of that canyon. Everyone arrives at a seemingly “better place” in their own time and way. For many of us parents we also had to navigate the tricky waters of our kids growing up during those years, they felt like a decade and a nanosecond all at the same time. Parenting was profoundly changed by this experience, just as many generations before us have had an experience that shifts the way they need to parent, so did we. So I want to honor that while many parenting techniques still work, they may not work now for the person you have become or the people your children are as a result. Acknowledging this is important to shifting your belief that you somehow have to mimic what was done before you but also that there may still be some exploration of who you are now and how you want to show up as a parent. '
I’d also like to say that sometimes survival mode only lasts a few days. Those of us with neurodivergent children especially feel this on long weekends and school breaks. The change is exhausting and it is not the time to launch a new way of doing things but to dial everything back to basics. For me it’s focusing on connecting, being playful, creating a plan for the day, serving safe foods and keeping a strict bedtime (mostly for my sanity!)
So with all of that said I’d like to share a few ways to simplify your parenting approach while in survival mode.
Offer yourself some loving kindness. A term made popular by Tara Brach, what it really means is to see the goodness in yourself, others and the world. For this tip, try it towards yourself first. What can you see as your strengths and gifts? You will be different than other parents, you are your child’s parent not other childrens. How can you honor your authentic self first?
Set limits to scrolling social media. Protecting your psyche from the momentary perfection people post is so important. We know that many people present a filtered version of their lives online but scrolling feels mindless, except it isn’t and can be harmful to the images you consume and store in your brain as to how things should be. Most people aren’t posting from the bed they are struggling to get out of, those that are can be helpful to find if they are making you feel less alone. You can mute accounts you don’t want to see for now if unfollowing a friend doesn’t feel right.
Offer loving kindness to your children. See their goodness and don’t assign a parenting score to their outward behavior. Many kids have a hard time regulating themselves. The part of their brain that does that is still developing. It is not because you are in survivor mode, it is just because they are growing.
Let screens do some childcare once in a while. A term I adopted from a friend is to affectionately call the tv P3 (parent 3). Some days (even now) my husband and I will turn and look at eachother and just say “it’s P3 time.” Follow @thegamereducator on instagram for more tips on shifting how you see screen time. You can reduce the time back when you are feeling ready. For now, give yourself the gift of some time if your kids will sit and watch it. And stop feeling guilty if you already use it!
Choose your battles. Picking on everything little thing your child does is so easy to do when you are stressed. Even the way a kid puts something away can set someone off. Remember that they did the action, just not the way you wanted, turn towards that loving kindness, how can I see their goodness right now? Did you yell at them for it? Then just repair and move on. Be kind to yourself for being human too, it’s important for them to have how to repair modeled to them anyway!
Store visual clutter in bags or boxes, move it out of eyesight until you have the energy to go through it.
Do one thing every evening that gives you a moment to yourself. Maybe a cup of tea after bedtime or if you live somewhere cold right now, using hand lotion to massage your hands before bed. Small things to bring you back to yourself, acknowledge the hard work you are doing to survive and reset the day.
As always, remember that survival mode looks different for everyone. Take the tips that help you and leave the rest!
If you would like support during survival mode, reach out to schedule a free 30 minute session to see if it would be helpful to work with a parent coach who gets it!
