Parenting in survival mode part 1
Let’s address survival mode. If your higher functioning is taking a break because you need to just do the basics, that’s survival mode. While my experience may seem like a big deal, I want to say that no one gets to tell you if your reason for being in survival mode is valid. If you are in it, it doesn’t matter why. What sends you into yours may be smaller in comparison on paper but there is no need to compare. Survival mode can be triggered for a variety of reasons and all of those reasons are valid. You owe no one an explanation of why you are in it! I often remind my friends that it is ok to also be struggling even if you think it seems small in comparison.
I have mentioned before but in the summer of 2022 I suffered two acute ischemic strokes from dissections of my vertebral arteries. They were unexpected (obviously) and we still don’t know why the dissections occurred which is very frustrating. I was gone for almost a month from my home as my strokes happened about 9 days apart and required hospital and rehab stays with a few days of fighting insurance in there too. This blog is not about the specifics of the medical experience I had but about how I entered back into parenting. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t pretty for awhile.
I want to say first that I am privileged to have a partner who already did many things for our family and we live close to both sets of parents and have wonderful friends and neighbors. I am forever grateful for their help and support. But parenting two young kids is not easy and when you are physically challenged it’s even harder. I had to rehab my left side so that it could function more “normally” and my brain needed far more rest and quiet than I normally allow myself or can take with two young kids. We were already feeling like we were in survival mode and this event added on to that weight.
Here are some strategies I found helpful while navigating my own recovery and our family’s needs:
Know that temporary doesn’t mean a short time. I would say our survival mode lasted a good year plus. I really wanted it to be over quickly, like a nice and tidy movie ending leaving you inspired. But it wasn’t tidy at all and still isn’t that way. Hence the need to find moments of joy. I just kept on fine tuning my focus and knowing the light at the end of the tunnel would come, just not usually when you want it to be over. I tried to get out so many times but it needed to run its course.
Forgive yourself. One of the most frustrating parts of a brain injury for me is how it changed certain aspects of my personality. I am much more likely to feel overstimulated by my kids' noise and constant need to be at my side. There were a lot of frustrated responses to things I normally would have been able to navigate. So I learned to accept this change (over time, I am human) and my friend sent me loop earplugs that are amazing at dulling the noise.
Find one care practice that is important, forget the rest. As KC Davis, author of How to Keep House While Drowning, says “Care tasks are morally neutral.” Not being able to do them all did not make me a bad spouse, mom, friend, employee. Taking a shower was very cumbersome because we have a natural rock floor to our shower and the shower seat I had to use was wobbly because of that. Coupled with the fact that I can’t feel temperature on my left side and operating my left hand was a workout, it was an exhausting task. I made sure to prioritize it because I always felt better after but other things like cleaning and doing laundry took a backseat because they are clearly easier to delegate ha! She also suggests putting small care baskets around your house with throw away toothbrushes, wipes, deodorant etc… in there to freshen up. Check her out @strugglecare on instagram.
Allow people in. I know I am sharing this more publicly now but I didn’t want to let people into the hard parts of my journey. I don’t love the “you got this” sentiments many people send, they are kind and caring but probably feel better to the person saying it than the person receiving it. Something about it brought attention to a failing of mine that I didn’t like. I know the strokes weren’t a failure but the stoic part of me had a hard time accepting that. However, letting people in allowed us to accept help where it was needed and learn to ask for it too. Find people you trust who can support you, even if it’s a friend who is your grocery pickup person, financial support, someone who can clean or someone who is better able to gather their executive functioning skills and can write out a basic calendar for you.
Be honest with your kids. Over the last few years I wrote short social stories for our son for a variety of things. I use Google Slides and use actual pictures from life for them. After my first stroke I wrote one about how to be safe around me. I wrote it using the app on my phone in the hospital because it gave me something to focus on instead of the scary reality I was living. When you are in a survival mode for whatever reason, kids will know something is up. It is not always necessary to write a story to help them understand but they pick up on energy and they will make up a story in their head about it. As with many hard topics, explaining what is going on in child friendly language gives their brain an answer they no longer have to create. It doesn’t have to be lengthy or super descriptive. This does not always change behavior. It certainly didn’t in our home but it was something to use as an acknowledgment that things have changed and this is why.
Connect, connect, connect. This is such an important thing to do with kids. We watched far more television than is recommended because it was as much energy as I could muster some days. But we did it together. I couldn’t easily get on the ground let alone get up without support so playing on the ground with my kids was out of the question for awhile. Instead we did seated activities in short spurts. As my stamina improved, so did the length of time I could do that. Then eventually I could get on the ground. While I was an elementary School Counselor, play doesn’t always come naturally to me so I chose activities that worked within my limited resources like interactive games for them or asking Alexa to play music they liked. It wasn’t perfect but it was me showing up as best I could. I find that structure to an activity helps to act as a guide when your brain feels like mush.
Reach out to a parent coach for help. I get it, I’ve been there and I benefited immensely from the support other people gave me. It is a sign of strength to recognize you are in survival mode and ask for help. I already knew so many things people told me or supported me with but my survival brain couldn’t access that information easily. Just like with feelings, I can’t fix them but I can offer support through this time and beyond so that you can breathe a little easier.
Next week I will follow up with a few more tips for on the ground parenting and reality checks about survival mode!
