On grief
This is a heavy topic to start the year off with but it is the reality for many families at any time of year. It is particularly relevant to us because our daughter's teacher died a couple of weeks ago, completely unexpectedly. We only changed schools this fall so this teacher was not in our lives for long but she made an impact on our daughter's experience at school and I really connected with her.
While in my position as School Counselor I had many experiences talking to kids about death and dying. I have the words and understand the process but it never made it easier, it always brought up my own experiences with death and while being emotional is normal, it makes the process even more challenging. I know many people are gifted in creating space for this, I really struggled with this particular area because in our role we often don’t have time to process our feelings about it too.
I am going to include links from reputable sources here in Maine, where I live, but there are many great organizations out there with information too.
Keep it simple and honest. I find it helpful to generalize the topic of death to any tough topic with kids. We keep it simple and honest. My daughter asks a lot of why questions and I simply repeat the information again. We use language that cannot be misinterpreted. Passing away sounds gentler but is very confusing to young children. Instead we said “When you go back to school so and so won’t be there, she died. That means her body stopped working.” And then we wait for follow up. For us, our daughter didn’t have any follow up questions until the drive to school today. I stuck with the same simple words and just gently repeated them to help clear up any confusion or misunderstandings.
Hold space for processing. This depends on your child and their age and personality. It could look like, guiding the child with your words to talk if they’d like or playing out situations. Maybe a doll or stuffed animal is going through a loss to help the child take the pressure away from it being about them, they can help the doll or stuffed animal. It may also look like naming the feeling they may be having, helping them with necessary language they don’t have just yet. It may also mean letting them do their kid thing until they are ready to talk or process through play. Books are great ways to have conversations. If your child is older I found that taking a walk, not having to look at me straight on helped. As a parent it may also be in the car or at night when the lights are off and they finally open up.
Be open. You might share that you are feeling many emotions and share how you are taking care of yourself, I am letting myself cry or I feel the sadness in my chest, bring my hand to my chest and breathe deeply. Or wherever you are feeling those feelings, stomach, head or really any place in the body. Taking a walk, listening to comforting music, talking to people are all ways to move the energy of grief. Grief does not go away, but acknowledging it’s there and letting those feelings flow can work to move that energy so it doesn’t build up in us and we can be a support for our kids.
Offer options. As a School Counselor I would offer quiet coloring, playing with a variety of toys or games and opening up conversation so kids could feel comfortable. Early on, I certainly made the mistake of leading too much and asking direct questions which did not give kids the sense of security they needed. Guiding them may just be making comments about what they’ve drawn, “I see you drew a house”, colors they are using or playing out healthy coping skills when playing make believe. Seek out professional support for your family if you feel you or your child need more. Psychologytoday.com is a good resource to start with if you need to.
Honor the person and your child’s relationship to them. Sesame street put out a package of information that is very helpful in supporting kids through grief. They wrote a book called Something Small. It does a good job demonstrating holding space by honoring that person's connection to the child. Our school is putting out pictures of the teacher and a stuffed animal representing her dog. It doesn’t have to be huge but speaking their name, honoring their life in small ways can be impactful to your child’s grief process. Avoiding talking about the person does not help the child process their grief.
Grief is so personal and while the idea about stages was popularized for a long time, what we know now is it isn’t linear or cyclical, feelings can change on a dime and don’t fall neatly into a process or label, allowing for kids to come in and out of their feelings is helpful so they can express them instead of repress them. Expect tough behaviors to show up, regressions are normal. Many kids sadness comes out as aggression or irritability. While it can be hard to experience them, know that this may be your child’s way of processing. It doesn’t make it easier but understanding why a behavior is happening can help you find tools to help your child process their grief in safer or healthier ways.
A note about our own grief. I am really feeling it right now. Loss has a way of bringing up other losses we have had too. I am working to let myself ride the waves. As I said in my email to the director of the school, we only got the gift of this teacher for a couple of months but her impact was enormous so I can only imagine how large the impact is for those who knew her even better. I am sad and it’s ok that my daughter knows that I am. I also don’t hold expectations that she will be, she has lots of questions now, it’s a hard concept to really understand quickly and that’s ok.
I hope these resources are helpful for you, loss is never simple and it can be helpful to have resources to use when your brain is also still processing it.
https://sesameworkshop.org/topics/grief/
For young kids
https://www.cgcmaine.org/resources/
Great place locally for support
https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/death.html
More specific ways to help process a death, especially if your child is going to be a part of services.
