Parent Coaching 101
So what is parent coaching? Parent coaching is simply working with parents to help them along their journey of parenting. It can look different depending on the needs of you as a parent and depending on the needs of the children involved. If I were to work with you as a parent coach we would start with gathering information about you as a person first, what are strengths that you have, what are some areas that you know you'd like to grow and what are your goals for your parenting. Sometimes this can look like a one time meeting and working on a specific pain point for you. It can also be a longer term situation where we identify goals and check in regularly to support you towards that goal. I am not here as a coach to set the goal for you. I want to work with you and what your ideals and values are for your family. That means that as a coach I'm there to check in regularly and also to offer you tips, tricks, resources as ways to support you with specific needs.
Since we are looking to find ways to support you towards those goals. Often that can be integrating lots of different parenting styles to find the mix that works for you and your unique children or child. Trying different techniques, or pieces of a technique, helps us to build slowly towards a goal. There isn't a miracle cure for all behavioral issues or patterns of behavior that are starting to get in the way of connection within a family. The idea being that a parent coach steps in to guide you along so that you have that person on the outside helping, who is not emotionally involved with the day to day life. Just like other coaches develop programs to help you towards a goal for losing weight, getting in shape or working towards a specific goal in your business, parent coaches are very similar, together we will develop a plan that works for you. That might be that in our weekly check-ins we are discussing specific issues that are coming up. How can we overcome them? I have lots of tips and tricks that I've used for students and families of mine that can be carried over to the home. I've also done my own work in parenting and understand that not all ideas are going to stick. It requires a level of honesty and reflection from the parents involved. When we meet to talk about how the week's gone what's working what's not working I'm looking for you to honestly reflect with me on where you're at, maybe we do that same goal for the next week, maybe this week was not your week, there are so many reasons that get in the way of us being able to grow and it is okay to understand where you're at and adapt our work accordingly. Moving forward doesn't always have to be in huge leaps and bounds. Likely it's helping you to uncover what's already working so you can understand you have a lot less ground to make up with your kids.
When behavioral concerns come up, we also explore basic developmental levels for kids. Depending on who they are, maybe they have a brain difference, maybe there is something that's getting in the way of them behaving in an expected manner, adjusting what your expectations should be of them should be based on where they are developmentally. This is not just by age but where on a developmental field they are and being able to adapt your parenting to that expectation. That sometimes means you have to do the work to adjust. Adjusting is uncomfortable and it can be very challenging but it can also be freeing to know that you are letting go of what the expectations might be and you’re tailoring your parenting to the child that is in front of you. In families with multiple children or with blended families, behaviors might disappear for one child and then show up for another and the same approach doesn’t work. Our conversation can adapt and be about how you can step back and look at what's going on so that we can adjust to the with the unique dynamics that are in your home.
I know that there is a lot out there about different parenting styles. Many can require a lot of patience that might not be innate to you, it certainly isn't innate to me and I have found that some parts of certain styles of parenting work and some don't because I have a child who doesn't respond well to them.
For example, it is lovely that parents who are successful with gentle parenting are able to guide their kids to get out the door in the morning in a very peaceful, calm and collaborative way. That does not work for my child, it creates a big power struggle that just exhausts us all. But we found our way to a structure for our mornings that helps us to get out the door without that power struggle, it meets their needs with ours. There are also days that are different and I have to remember to walk them through that change and adjust my expectations of getting out the door in a certain way. Some days it's just challenging and both our patience is non-existent, that is life. But many mornings we can make do with the structure that we've put in place along with playful techniques to get them to move forward in their morning so that they are actually dressed and ready by bus time. We also live in New England and so it is important this time of year to be dressed in a seasonally appropriate manner and that can be really hard because our mornings need to include more articles of clothing.
My kids are young, so connection and play look pretty much the same. In order to move through a routine that challenges their lack of executive function I pretend to be really bad at magic and give them one step “not” to do without my help. I close my eyes and say abracadabra and whatever it is that I think they can't do by themselves. An example would be, “Abracadabra I bet you can't get your boots on without my help I'm going to take a deep breath in and out and open my eyes and WHAT? You did it already?!” Does this work everytime, nope! But it’s an example of small ways to work with where my kids are at. I know their brains struggle to pay attention or hold on to routines, especially when they are currently more focused on when Santa is coming. No level of voice can break through to them, being playful about it to get their attention makes them feel successful and invites connection between us.
After my strokes (and even before) executive functioning was challenging for me, but I have made it a point to grow that skill myself because if things are where they need to be, my stress level is down and I can find that playful skill more easily.
Connecting and finding a way to stay connected, especially to a kid who is neurodivergent, is very challenging but very rewarding. Parenting is a long game. When we are looking for kids to be compliant we want to be careful not to expect the compliance immediately because while we might get that compliance in the moment, that doesn't always mean that we have built a connection for them in the future to do it again. By connection I mean both in the pattern of behavior we're looking for to be stronger and the connection with their parent.
In parent coaching, we are looking to find ways for you as a parent to reflect on what you need in your relationship with your child, to better understand the developmental nature of childhood, to find tips and tricks to make your way through really challenging developmental stages and to feel the success in your capacity to grow and build your parenting skills towards a common goal.
Parent coaching is for parents. It is not going to involve bringing children on to our calls or to our meetings. While I have years of experience working directly with children, the area I am focusing on having the most impact is in supporting parents. As a parent coach that's what I'm looking to do. It could be that you don't need the support for too long, you just need some check-ins or it could be that you really want or need to dig deep and work hard at adjusting and developing your parenting techniques and your capacity to parent your children. It does not require that both parents are involved, it is lovely if both can be, but I understand that not all families look the same, have schedules that match and that there are often reasons that one parent is coming over another or that there are many parents involved and it's helpful to start with one versus all.
Contact me for a free 30 minutes exploratory call to see if parent coaching might be helpful for you!
If your family is in need of mental health support I recommend starting with your pediatrician or utilizing psychologytoday.com to search for providers in your area that take your insurance, who have availability or an active wait list. I am not a licensed counselor, my experience is in School Counseling but that does not give me licensure to practice as a mental health counselor. I certainly can work alongside somebody who is supporting your family but this is not a substitute for mental health support for you or your child.
Experiencing a mental health crisis?
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Maine Crisis Hotline: 1-888-568-1112
CRISIS Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
Call (or text) 911 or go directly to your local Emergency Room
